Sketch: “The Hills are Live”

The following is a sketch that hasn’t been performed. It was written a few months ago; however, as I work through a transitional period personally, I thought this would hold you over until I’m able to share things more regularly. 

 

Announcer

And now, please welcome to the stage a husband and wife vaudeville duo more famous than James and Betty Wallace, the Singing Hendersons, The Dancing Cambridges, and the Jeffersons combined: Mark and Karen Hill. The Hills!
(Mark and Karen enter to music and begin to sing an upbeat tin pan sort of song.)

Mark
Well, we’re pleased to see all of your faces.

Karen
Wherever this is is one of our favorite places. 

Mark
It’s time for the show to start.

Karen
Well, off to the races.

Mark (Speaking:)

Say, Karen.

KAREN
Say, what?

MARK
Ha ha, delightful. Say, Karen, did I tell you I hit a dog with my car the other day?

KAREN
No, that’s terrible.

MARK
The worst part is, we’ll never know how it got my car in the first place.

KAREN
Oh, you.

(Singing again:)
MARK
Well, we may not always see eye to eye.

KAREN
But I just can’t get enough of this guy.

MARK
See, Karen eats apples; I like mango.

KAREN
Mark dances hip hop; I like to tango.

MARK
Karen’s distant relationship with her father is having psychological consequences. 

KAREN
(Speaking)
I told you that in confidence. 

MARK
(Speaking)
Nice rhyme, honey.

(Singing)
Two peas in a pod- The season has thawed- The time has arrived- The Hills are live!

(Karen sits down on the stool)
(Speaking)
What are you doing? We have to finish this number strong.

KAREN
You do it. 

Mark
(Singing)
The Hills are live!
(Speaking)
And now it’s time for everyone’s favorite portion of the show, our world famous ballroom dancing routine! Karen, get up. You’re being unprofessional. 

KAREN
Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t realize you valued my contribution this much. 

MARK
Can we talk about this later? We have a show to do. 

Karen
No, you have a show to do, let’s see how things go when you have all the control you want. 

MARK
You’re being unreasonable.

KAREN
And your decision to put a piece of private information out there for everyone to know without asking me first; was that reasonable? 

MARK
(Sternly)
Just do the routine, we’ll talk about it later. 

KAREN
Yeah, talking to me like that’s going to help. You seem to think I hold you back. Let’s see how you do without me, do the routine yourself.
Mark begins a ballroom dance routine with an invisible partner and an overblown stage grin.
(Karen remains off to the side on the stool with a mic.) 

Karen
Dear god, look at that shit eating grin. You know, that’s what he looks like during sex.

MARK
Yeah, it’s the face I make when I’m pretending to enjoy something. 

KAREN
Step one-two; step one-two. Have you already forgotten what you shouted at me last week in practice?
(Improv some here. Mark’s clumsily flared dancing and Karen’s sarcastic and dismissive posture, gestures, and comments)
The number ends with Mark in a stereotypical “big finish” pose (jazz hands and all).

KAREN
Can we just play the final musical number and get out of here? 
(Walks over to the edge of the stage, glares at Mark)
Where the fuck is the piano?

MARK
I’m tired of being the only one moving that thing around. Do you know how heavy a piano is?

KAREN
It’s an electric piano! If you were tired of moving it, you could have just asked me. 

Mark
This wouldn’t have been an issue if we still had that roadie. 

KAREN
That wasn’t a roadie, that was our son.

MARK
That’s the trouble with working with your kids, they grow up, move on. 

KAREN
He is twelve! You drove him away with your rage! My son is living on the streets or dead and it’s your fault, you son of a bitch!

MARK
(Comedy stage whisper directed to the crowd)
Sounds like the pot calling the kettle filled with self destructive rage. 

KAREN
I’m done. 
(Karen walks off stage and out the door through the crowd)

MARK
Yeah, sure. What are you going to do, move in with your father? Oh, wait, you have a distant relationship with him that may be causing psychological problems! OH BURN! Karen? Karen? (Sighs deeply) I give up. 

(Mark collapses on the stage and bawls, refusing to leave the for an absurd length of time.)