Failed Bits: Existential Shoulder Tap

This is a bit that I tried a couple times at open mics and it never really worked, so I’ll just dump it here. Maybe it’s a little better in text form.


I started out poor. I remember before I existed, I had nothing.

One day, I was just a strand of cosmic potential energy, minding my own business when I felt a tap on what… would eventually be my… shoulder… I guess.

I was a little annoyed. “Do you mind? I’m trying to do something! I don’t know what! What is it that strands of cosmic potential energy wouldn’t want to be distracted from? This is a really confusing premise!”

Then I heard a disembodied voice say “I kind of feel like creating a Frank. Do you want to exist?”

“I don’t know. what’s existence like?”


“Sounds incredible.”

So, uh, here I am. But, my name’s not Frank, so I always feel like I’m one moment away from being smote.

I like that term. “cosmic potential energy.” If you remember physics, potential energy is like a ball sitting on top of a hill, just waiting. I was thinking about this on a walk the other day and I ran into an angry man, spilling his diet coke everywhere. All I could say was “sorry,… I was pushed…”

I don’t know what it was about his personality, but he was angry throughout our entire relationship of fifteen seconds.