10-Word Stories (From Microsatan Mag #4)

The moment I sawed you, I ruined the magic trick.

 

Shrimping is hard, swimming is harder, drowning is the worst.

 

Ignoring all warnings, I opened shop. Sign market too crowded.

 

Tonight, we fell in love. Fuck, uncompatible phone chargers. Nevermind.

 

Roomba thought it was the last of its species. Tragic.

 

Chad lived in his car. Had a home, got lost.

 

Surfing gravitational waves was always too lofty of a goal.

 

Her new invention was complete! Plastic hats would change everything!

 

On Halloween: dressed as Pinhead, he tripped. Now, he’s Pinhead.

 

Fittingly enough for our purposes, augmented reality changed the world.

 

“There is no story without conflict.”
“Yes there is, idiot.”

 

The Future is Augmented

The world of technology is advancing at breakneck speeds. Science fiction is bleeding into our reality on an almost daily basis. From 3D printing to the new frontiers of virtual reality and high-definition video, we’re creating a new reality where anything is possible. One of the most promising new fields of technology is the world of augmented reality, also known as AR. Using augmented reality, you can use goggles, or even a cell phone to change the view of the world around you. We’ve already seen it used to give drivers more lifesaving information on the road in real time and to translate signs into other languages for travelers. But we here at Techworld 2000 think that it can be used for so much more. So, without further ado, here are some potential new uses for augmented reality technology:

 

Have you ever wanted to go on a wildlife safari? Of course you have, the heart of the oppressive colonialist beats within us all! Now with AR, your everyday commute can be a safari. Just don your new mobile Hololens or AR-enabled windshield and you’ll be able to change all of your fellow pedestrians and drivers into wild animals. That junkie on the corner, put there by an underserved mental health care system? Now he’s a giraffe! Police officers behind you making you nervous? They’ll appear as a pack of hyenas! Now the majesty of the savannah can follow you wherever you go! Well, eventually, that is.

 

Ever wondered what the other half is eating while you’re subsisting solely on canned beans and the occasional trip to taco bell? Well, with Otherhalf you will always know what your life would be like if you had been born into better circumstances or not missed that one opportunity by replacing every can, TV dinner, or empty space in your pantry and refrigerator into whatever it is rich people eat when viewed through your Android-enabled Walmart Family Plan phone. Do you know what it is? Neither do I! I work in the publishing field! Probably something like sheep fetus or something they sell at Whole Foods. Do they sell sheep fetus at Whole Foods. I guess it would have to be a whole sheep fetus to stay on brand none of that half sheep fetus bullshit. Yeah, that makes sense.

 

Tired of your elders always saying “It used to be so different here” everywhere you go together? Soon, you’ll be able to shut grandpa up with a concept we’re calling Gray-Tinted Goggles. Slip some AR-enabled device to your grandparents head and project historical images of every location in the world over your reality. To them, nothing will ever be different ever again. I mean, sure you could accomplish the same thing with by blindfolding them wherever you go, but we’ve found that that only increases complaints old people, in our experience.

 

Sometimes the most obvious idea is the best. KissyFace will be the next big name in Paul Stanley facial replacement software. Now everybody in your life can have the face of KISS’ resident starchild, Paul Stanley. Are we really the first ones to come up with that? It seems improbable, you lying sack of shit.

 

There’s no limit to what we as humans can do, except for our black, selfish hearts. Now that our technology is reaching new heights  of ingenuity and usefulness, there is no limit to the collective human potential we can waste by prioritizing the collection of objects over caring for each other, and the sales and advancement of weapons technology over fearlessness! It’s time for us to invent the future so we, together as human beings, can squander it!

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